When we first brought the boys to Lombok a year ago for a holiday my first few days were filled with a slight panic of what to do with them. The house was all sharp corners and slippery concrete, and the yard was an ungated pool with a few too many mosquitos. We had hardly brought any toys and I was going a little insane. Then one morning I had the urge to explore and walked down the little lane our villa came off. There I made the wonderful discovery that the end of the lane was blocked off to traffic and there was a small dirt road full of muddy puddles. So in haste, I pulled out some big spoons from the cupboard, grabbed the little diggers I had packed from home and led them up the lane. They spent the next hour deep in play, Sylver digging, splashing and exploring the texture of stones with his mouth! And Sonny creating ‘worksites’ and ‘working very hard’. It was bliss. I joined them at first and then slowly backed away to leave them to their play.
It was a great reminder to me of what my children needed. And that turned out to be not much. some digging implements, mud and the space to explore even the smallest of environments without being hovered over. Within that space and with just a few tools they created their own worlds.
As I wrote about in my last post The Cost of Being a "Good” Parent, when we see things that are marketed to us to do with kids’ play, there is an overwhelming push that our kids need these things. There are toys for sensory play and development, and as I also touched on in Stop Playing with Your Children, ads for apps to tell parents how and when to play with their kids. There are beautifully handwoven collecting baskets and sand trays that cost more than a tray ever should.
These products are being sold as a way to help our children develop and keep them engaged and entertained. If they have all of these things they can never be bored right? They’ll never come and grab at our legs while we’re cooking dinner imploring us to play, and they’ll all turn into geniuses with wonderful dexterity. But what if their being bored was actually a good thing?
A while ago I read one of Maggie Dent’s (National treasure) books Saving Our Children from Our Chaotic World: Teaching Children the Magic of Silence and Stillness. She talks about how children need time to be still, time to be quiet and space. And I’ve noticed that whenever Sonny and, now as he’s getting older, Sylver get into a good game it is because I’ve been busy doing other things and they have had to keep themselves occupied. Of course, most days they don’t last too long without a brawl if they are trying to play together, and they still have a knack of desperately needing me whenever I need to get something done, but overall I have found that their imaginations have flourished when I have not tried to fill every one of their waking hours with activities and games.
As my boys have grown I have discovered one of the best-kept secrets of parenting - a healthy dose of neglect.
In my experience, I’ve found that my boys can make a toy out of anything, but boredom is one of the keys to this. It’s leaving them to their own devices long enough that they start to look around. Some of their best play hasn’t been because of something I have set up for them or even with a certain toy (lego being the exception). It’s when they’ve had the space to explore their environment for themselves. When they’ve got no choice but to use their imaginations because Mumma is busy doing Mumma things, suddenly old rope washed up on the beach gets attached to a bucket and becomes a pully system in a tree. Rocks become dragon treasure or ordered into lines or piles and sticks turn into fishing rods, structures, (and let’s face it) mostly weapons.
Play doesn’t have to be elaborately set up stations and activities. It doesn’t have to be done in perfectly decorated playrooms. A mud kitchen doesn’t have to cost the earth. Dress-ups do not have to be organic plant-dyed silk scarves. Play can be as simple as giving your kids an empty yoghurt bucket and sending them outside. Every time I start to go down the rabbit hole of thinking I need to be doing or buying more to entertain my kids I stop and remember what it is they actually enjoy.
Play for my boys generally doesn’t look pretty. It doesn’t look like an advertisement for play. The imaginary games they invent that involve them the most are often the ones with a big mess to clean up at the end. Any carefully laid out activities quickly dissolve into mayhem and leave trails of paint through the house. And If ever I try and dictate a game it evolves into something else entirely.
Not fearing my children being bored has been one of the things that has made motherhood easier for me. Sometimes when I’m around other mothers and their kids I fear I am being judged for looking disinterested or not engaging or playing enough. But what I am doing is quite deliberate. I’m giving them opportunities for their minds to flourish (okay and sometimes I’m just super tired and can’t be bothered). When Sonny says he is bored I most often answer with “That’s great news, now you get to think of something amazing to do.” Of course, There are times though when they are tired or a bit emotional and need extra support, connection or attention and I can jump in with some ideas. Also, there are times when I think of an activity or game that I think will be fun and go all in with that.
I believe that play is just more simple than we as adults make it out to be. And I have seen first-hand the imagination, joy and often complex games that can come out of kids left to their own devices with a mound of dirt and some diggers.
Join me in the comments and let me know what simple play your kids enjoy and if you have felt the pressure of making play more elaborate.
Hi, I’m Tansie, a mother of 2 wild boys currently living in Indonesia. Through weaving storytelling into my writing and sharing my own experiences with motherhood my hope is to make others feel less alone in this world that so often tells us we are not enough. I would love you to subscribe and join the community and If you have the means to support independent writers consider becoming a paid subscriber. XX
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I think about this often because my son for the first year of his life clung to me at home and it may because I always tried to do everything with him. Play but also house tasks, and I’ve stopped doing that. I’ll go wash the dishes or laundry or whatever and leave him to his own devices and the kid started playing all on his own, consistently too! It’s amazing, usually doesn’t last too long once I come back into closer proximity to him, he looks to me. But I find being in his face all idea with play ideas or activities is way too overstimulating for me, and sometimes for him.
Sonny and Sylver seem to have the right idea, that what we need is often right in front of us, and intuitively, they know what to do about that. Mud kitchens, fishing rods. Dragon's treasure. All expressions of an imaginative and embodied relationship with the Earth that adults can learn so much from, and which your boys exude naturally. By providing a "healthy dose of neglect," you keep the door wide open for them to explore and nurture that relationship through their intuition and the wisdom of their bodies. The sense of trust that that can build, both in oneself and in the natural world, is irreplaceable, and I pray that it carries through for them and matures into their adolescence and beyond. Thank you for sharing these stories and insights with us, Tansie. You've got a new subscriber.